Day 1

I am not exactly sure how I should begin.

It has been almost a month long of tolling. Never would I have imagine myself being in such a situation and having to understand the meaning of heart ache.

The first 2 weeks were excruciating, painful, harsh. I could see my world falling apart. I can only remember myself being hysterical. It was right at the left side of my chest that I could feel someone stabbing, punching and squeezing at every breath. The pain was right there, not my head, my stomach or anywhere else. Losing any appetite, and vomiting at the scent of food. It was so scary but I couldn't control myself. Tears flowed uncontrollably as the seconds tick by. I cannot be alone during the day and I move from 1 room to another during the night, only to find solace in my parents room. I was fearful, for the first time.

2 weeks after, the panic attacks lessen, but they come and go during the day and intensify at night. I am constantly moving 3 steps ahead 2 steps back, and I was moving around in circles. I felt blame, guilt, anger and depressed. Questions build up but I wasn't prepared for the answer. Life was a painful irony. The sick bug never left, but I could feel everyone leaving. I can feel the emptiness and the void within.

My day 1.

We never ever really learn to let go, we just learn to live with the hurt. We grow stronger but we never forget.

Sometimes I ask myself why it feels so painful, maybe it's just myself taking things too hard, but maybe it's something else. On some days, secretly within, I wish you were standing there at the ATM or sitting at the bench waiting for me to finish work. But now, I say I wished. Questions do still boil inside me but how much do those answer matter now. I still get scared, slightly in the day, and slightly more at night. I am not sure what I am scared of, but I guess its just the gap left that was once occupied. Sometimes it hurts I cannot breath but what choice is there for me. I cry to sleep but who cares. I am just very very very exhausted.

I wish I could still hear from you, but I know the news only bring hurt. I had no choice. It was never my intention to delete.







i guess it only hurts so bad because i love too much. Love is not to possess, and I sincerely wish you to be happy. Sometimes I wish I could live in denial, I could turn back time and wished that I never heard that you loved me no more...

Cramping and feeling sick. Time of the month also. I went to the doctor, and he say this may even take as long as 6 months to get better:(

It is always towards the end of the day that I feel emotionally charged. Like another day has gone by without you.

Yours, Mine, Ours

It just a sinking feeling, and it feels like crap.

extracted this from my old blog.

Beethoven's Love letter to his beloved immortal

Good morning, on July 7th
Even when I am in bed my thoughts rush to you, my eternally beloved, now and then joyfully, then again sadly, waiting to know whether Fate will hear our prayer--To face life I must live altogether with you or never see you. Yes, I am resolved to be a wanderer abroad until I can fly to your arms and say that I have found my true home with you and enfolded in your arms can let my soul be wafted to the realm on blessed spirits--alas, unfortunately it must be so--You will become composed, the more so as you know that I am faithful to you; no other woman can ever possess my heart--never--never--Oh God, why must one be separated from her who is so dear. Yet my life in V[ienna] at present is a miserable life--Your love has made me both the happiest and the unhappiest of mortals--At my age I now need stability and regularity in my life--can this coexist with our relationship?--Angel, I have just heard that the post goes every day--and therefore I must close, so that you may receive the letter immediately--Be calm; for only by calmly considering our lives can we achieve our purpose to live together--Be calm--love me--Today--yesterday--what tearful longing for you--for you--you--my life--my all--all good wishes to you--Oh, do continue to love me--never misjudge your lover's most faithful heart.

ever yours
ever mine
ever ours


I simply adore the last three stanza.

This came to my attention, after watching to Sex and the City, for the SECOND TIME. The show is quite an awesome show, simply love the 4 girlfriends, they sure portray friendship really well:D However might the title may provoke whatever is in your mind right now, please come back into my main stream of thoughts and not think waywards

Love can be awesome, but it can also be meeting face to face with fatality
As much it can make you, it can destroy you, leaving with you bits to even imagine

Love never fails, Love is true, Love's the one thing that can always change you

Love is kind
Love is beautiful

Everything has its 2 faces, it depends on which side you choose to see

Love how it flows

I guess I have had several blogs, but why not another one:)

26 Days.

My health hasn't been good, feeling all weak and numb. Sleeping never felt so difficult and eating being so tiring. I am exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally emptied. Weekends was long and dreadful but I prefer staying in.

Music can be the best or worst therapy. I am gradually beginning to appreciate Korean ballads, because I will just hear the music and not understand what they are saying. This is different from Classical music. There's someone singing, AND maybe less boring.









I have been going in circles and every day is like day 1 again. This is exhausting and I am exhausted.