Day 1

I am not exactly sure how I should begin.

It has been almost a month long of tolling. Never would I have imagine myself being in such a situation and having to understand the meaning of heart ache.

The first 2 weeks were excruciating, painful, harsh. I could see my world falling apart. I can only remember myself being hysterical. It was right at the left side of my chest that I could feel someone stabbing, punching and squeezing at every breath. The pain was right there, not my head, my stomach or anywhere else. Losing any appetite, and vomiting at the scent of food. It was so scary but I couldn't control myself. Tears flowed uncontrollably as the seconds tick by. I cannot be alone during the day and I move from 1 room to another during the night, only to find solace in my parents room. I was fearful, for the first time.

2 weeks after, the panic attacks lessen, but they come and go during the day and intensify at night. I am constantly moving 3 steps ahead 2 steps back, and I was moving around in circles. I felt blame, guilt, anger and depressed. Questions build up but I wasn't prepared for the answer. Life was a painful irony. The sick bug never left, but I could feel everyone leaving. I can feel the emptiness and the void within.

My day 1.

We never ever really learn to let go, we just learn to live with the hurt. We grow stronger but we never forget.

Sometimes I ask myself why it feels so painful, maybe it's just myself taking things too hard, but maybe it's something else. On some days, secretly within, I wish you were standing there at the ATM or sitting at the bench waiting for me to finish work. But now, I say I wished. Questions do still boil inside me but how much do those answer matter now. I still get scared, slightly in the day, and slightly more at night. I am not sure what I am scared of, but I guess its just the gap left that was once occupied. Sometimes it hurts I cannot breath but what choice is there for me. I cry to sleep but who cares. I am just very very very exhausted.

I wish I could still hear from you, but I know the news only bring hurt. I had no choice. It was never my intention to delete.







i guess it only hurts so bad because i love too much. Love is not to possess, and I sincerely wish you to be happy. Sometimes I wish I could live in denial, I could turn back time and wished that I never heard that you loved me no more...